Pseudotherapy

1. Making soup from scratch is not nearly as difficult as I thought — and is definitely worth the trouble.
2. Do not subscribe to Avitable’s comments unless you’re prepared to come home to 187 emails about butt-crack hair, masturbation and religious figures on biscuits.
3. Sometimes it has to be enough to just be clean, neat and on time.
4. Gamer’s thumb is unbelievably painful.
5. “Ghost Hunters” is sneakily addictive — even when you think it’s all a load of twaddle.
6. It is possible to feel both hot and cold at the same time.
7. I haven’t made much progress in building self-confidence.
8. There is no brand of panties within my price range that fits me comfortably. (Anybody have a recommendation?)
9. My novel-in-progress is not nearly as good as I used to think it was.
10. More women enjoy viewing porn than you would imagine.

And how was your week, dear readers?

Juli asked me if I could remove Kathie and Trey from this photo, so she could use it on a profile page. I had to create her right shoulder, and give her hair and an earring on that side. It turned out pretty darn good, if I do say so myself.

Any day now, I should be able to transform myself into Monica Bellucci.

I’ve seen several of these here and there around the blogiverse, but wasn’t inspired to write one myself until I read Miss Britt’s. My version didn’t come out the way I’d expected, but at least it’s honest.

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Dear

I wish I didn’t hate you.

I wish I could give you the unconditional love I so easily lavish on my family and friends. But we both know I’ve disliked you for years and years. Pretty much from the beginning, truth be told. I’ve always resented how weak you are, how you kept trying to kill us when I was too small to fight back. I guess I was stronger than I thought, because we survived every attack — even when you ambushed me on a transatlantic flight and they had to land the plane in a foreign country to save us. And for the record, I’m sorry I tried to kill you when we were 17. Thanks for not giving in.

I think the problem with us is we’re simply incompatible. We don’t fulfill each other’s needs. You need someone who’s strong and determined and likes to be active, to balance your natural tendencies toward obesity. That’s definitely not me. On the other hand, I want a body that functions flawlessly, remaining fit and healthy with no effort on my part. Oh, I know you always argue that that’s an impossible dream. But the thing is, I know people like that — people whose bodies do exactly that. They never have to exercise or think about what they’re eating, yet they look and feel awesome. I don’t mean to hurt you, Body, but that’s what I want. I don’t like having to constantly do things I dislike just because of you. Frankly, I don’t think it’s fair.

Speaking of fair, what the hell did you have against having a baby? You knew how badly I’d wanted a big family, and how long I had to wait to have a child. Couldn’t you have cooperated a bit? Did you have to make every single minute of our pregnancy absolute misery? Honestly, you reacted like you were allergic to motherhood or something, keeping us physically ill the entire time. If it hadn’t been for the Bendectin, we literally could not have gotten out of bed every day. Not to mention your attempts to keep her from coming into the world. You must have been thrilled when the doctor told us “No more.” Yeah, thanks for that.

I admit, our problems aren’t all your fault. I know I am much too cerebral. I’m aware that I neglect you and ignore your needs. I do try sometimes, but what you need for optimum health is so contrary to my preferences that I can never stick with the program very long. Every 30-minute walk is a half-hour I could be online looking at porn. And I still don’t understand why you can’t process certain foods without extracting the calories from them. I mean, how hard would it be to just let the chocolate slide through without absorption? You do it with corn all the time.

Body, we have got to find some way to live together. With any luck, we’ve got 40 or 50 more years ahead of us, and this constant sabotage of each other has got to stop. We’re both going to have to be more flexible (heh). I’ve been reading up on yoga, and I’m thinking it might be a good place for us to start. I think we need to first achieve inner peace and harmony before we tackle the physical changes. I think … what? What do you mean that’s my problem, thinking too much?!?! Funny, you never complain when I’m thinking about sex! … Ahem, as I was saying, I think we need to achieve inner balance. Body and Mind, living together in perfect harmony. You know, like Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney. So start psyching yourself up, Body, because I’m ordering Yoga For Beginners tonight.

Zen-like hugs and chocolate kisses,
Mind

Karl did this yesterday, and it comes at a good time since I’m trying to get my 100 Things completed. And every time I do a meme of this type, I get to add a few more things to my list! Besides which, I’m kind of on a list kick lately. Even been thinking about reactivating Chronic Listaholic.

So here are the rules:

1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules.
3) Share six non-important things / habits / quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people.
5) Make sure the people you tagged KNOW you tagged them by commenting that you did.

Here’s my six things:

1. I have a 24-inch inseam. Although I am only 5 feet tall, that is SHORT. Even though I buy my pants in Petite length, they are always too long. My legs are so short, they just barely reach to the ground.
2. I have a bamboo plant named Ping, which is the Chinese word for balance. It also has geeky connotations, which is perfect for me. Ping was an office-warming gift from my BFF Sheryl.
3. I own more vinyl albums than CDs. Probably five times as many, actually.
4. I hate lettuce. HATE IT. I take it off sandwiches, and will only eat salads if they are drenched in dressing.
5. I have a very difficult time going to sleep without a cat on or against me. This is a definite problem when I travel.
6. I can barely bring myself to drink bottled water because of the bacteria levels in it. The only brand I truly trust is Dasani. This is what happens when you watch too much Discovery Science.

I do not tag, but please feel free to grab this if you wish.

I actually look pretty damn good!

I did it!!! I did it, I did it, I did it!!!

I actually SAT on a post overnight before publishing it. Well, not literally SAT ON, but you know what I mean. I wrote a long, emotional, apologetic post yesterevening, and then forced myself to follow Blog Club Rules #1 and #2. This morning I re-read it and said, “What a pile of sniveling, self-pitying codswallop. Complete and utter horseshit.” DELETE. See how much I love you all, my devoted readers? I saved you the trouble.

I have now come to the conclusion that I am either (a) pitifully insecure, (b) ridiculously bipolar or (c) maniacally menopausal. The correct answer varies from hour to hour, so let’s just go with (d) all of the above. I’ll bet you thought I wasn’t aware of how contradictory my posts lately have been, huh? Yes, I am. And if you think my recent posts are erratic, just try living with me. My mind is a pinball machine, the ball is my emotions and the Hormone Wizard is manning the trigger. Thank God it’s not a gun.

But here’s the thing: This is *my* blog. It’s my outlet, a reflection of what I’m going through at that particular moment. If I need to vent about something, I’m going to do so. If that turns out to be a passing mood and I don’t like what I posted, I’m going to take it down. Yes, it will still be “out there” via feed readers and the Wayback Machine, but it won’t be in my face every time I look at. On the other hand, I may choose to leave the post up, as a reminder to myself that this too shall pass.

This is the toughest “phase” I’ve lived through, way worse than adolescence. At times it seems like my body is trying to drive me insane. And everyone around me, I might add. Whatever horror stories you’ve heard about menopausal madness, multiply those by ten and you’ve got an inkling of what it’s like. Emotional stability is non-existent. You wanna talk about moody? Try waking up five times every night soaked with sweat from your chonies to your sheets. Try being period-free for 17 months and suddenly finding yourself sitting in a pool of blood AT THE OFFICE. Try coping with tension headaches that strike without warning and lay you out flat. Try having to explain why you’re sobbing about a Sonic commercial. Try dealing with a raging libido when it’s a record high tide on the Red Sea. Try being efficient at work when you can’t remember what was said to you three days ago. It does tend to generate just a few minor mood swings, ahem.

Yeah, I’m emotional and impulsive. Always have been, and now that I’m working on my Ph.D in rapid cycling, I tend to do stupid things and come to my senses later. Some of you may find my fluctuating frenzies too much to take. That’s okay. I’ll miss you, but I understand. Some of you may think it’s all just part of my irresistible charm. For you, there’s a spot reserved in the Paradise of Unconditional Love. Or wait, maybe it’s the Hell of Unconditional Love. Whatever, same thing.

I’ve recently taken a personal vow to be true to myself on this blog. Well, poppets, this insanity *is* me, in all my mercurial majesty. Love me or leave me, your choice. I have thrown open the gates to the mad roller coaster that is my life. You might want to swallow some Dramamine as you step aboard.

This royal online gambling dreamed the century lightheartedly. It’s human to be re-laid! Glorious training is the widespread online gambling. It’s cool to be sent! The eye is bravely valid. One friend is tritely territorial.

Exactly. Umm … what?

One shot to your heart without breaking your skin
No one has the power to hurt you like your friends …
(Get it together)
You wanna heal your body?
(Get it together)
You have to heal your heart
Whatsoever you sow you will reap …

(lyrics by India Aire)

UPDATE: Never assume anything other than a secret identity.

While doped up on Vicodin and chocolate …

Your Inner Muse is Euterpe

You are most like this muse of music. While you may or may not be musical… You love music and set life to your own personal soundtrack. And you are good at making anyone’s heart sing!

What Muse Are You?

* * * * *

Your Hippie Chick Name Is:

Starlight

Hippie Chick Name Generator

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Your Eyes Should Be Brown

Your eyes reflect: Depth and wisdom What’s hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart

What Color Should Your Eyes Be?

* * * * *

You Are a Chimera

You are very outgoing and well connected to many people. Incredibly devoted to your family and friends, you find purpose in nurturing others. You are rarely alone, and you do best in the company of others. You are incredibly expressive, and people are sometimes overwhelmed by your strong emotions.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

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What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or even a completely different life. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. Your feet may be on the ground, but your head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you as a bit small and insignificant. People pay more attention to you than you think. Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it’s something you’ve been anticipating for awhile now. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn’t fall in love with someone you didn’t trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Happy Valentine’s Day, beloved readers! Today I’m participating in Hilly’s Self-Love Day, celebrating this most dreaded of days by finding stuff we love about OURSELVES. And because Dave2 is guilt-tripping me, I’ve chosen to present a list of not one, but TEN things I love about myself. So let’s get on with it, shall we?

1. I rite gud. No really, I do. And you must agree, or you wouldn’t keep coming back, right?
2. I’m funny. Okay yes, my feet, but I’m referring to my wit. Seriously, I totally crack myself up sometimes. Lots of times, actually. And not just when I’m trying on swimsuits.
3. I have a good eye. For photography, I mean. But that reminds
   me …
4. My eyes. They’re brown. Coffee Brown, I’ve been told. I like them a lot, even if they’re somewhat harder to find now than they used to be.
5. I’m honest. Some people call it tactless. Whatever. It’s one of the few Sagittarius traits I possess — I tend to speak first and face the consequences later. This is also one of the 10 things I hate about me, depending on how what I just blurted was received. Ahem.
6. I have a loving heart. I don’t love everybody (besides Lindsay Lohan, who does?), but when I like someone, it’s just a short step to embracing them with my whole heart. And I’m very affectionate by nature, which is occasionally misinterpreted. I’m not actually in love with all my male blogfriends. Just Karl.
7. My teeth. An all-natural smile. Although I’ve never had orthodontia, dentists have told me I have one of the most perfect natural alignments they’ve ever seen.
8. I’m healthy. I may be fat, but otherwise I’m in pretty damn good shape for an old broad! I’m extremely grateful for that, too.
9. I’m an excellent employee. Don’t laugh! This is something to be proud of in this age of slackers. As the [deleted] at Incognotorious, Inc. I have a great deal of responsibility and a double buttload of work. I give them my all and then some, every single day. Lucky for me I love every minute of it.
10. I’m a good mama. I challenge anyone to best me at nurturing. As proof, I offer my beloved only child, Juli, who rocks the world’s socks off on a daily basis.

Wow, I am so much more awesome than I realized!

And now, in keeping with the spirit of Self-Love Day, I invite each of you to comment on something YOU love about me! Also, please visit all the other bloggers who are playing today.

Pink Paisley Puffy Patchwork Heart Hugs,
SJ